The support group was a great help, but I wish I had been referred to them at the time of my diagnosis, because I endured two months without any help.
(Lorraine Zakaib, Kirkland, QC, diagnosed in 2002 at age 49)

Don’t be afraid to ask for help with meals, driving you or your kids to activities, or even just to keep you company. I was told so many times that my friends were so thankful to be included in my journey, and they felt like they had learned so much from me. They also told me how glad they were when I gave them specific things to do, because they wanted to feel like they were contributing something to me and my family.
(Peggy Scott, Waldorf, MD, diagnosed at age 46)

I moved back to Vancouver and joined Abreast in a Boat (a dragon boating group) and they showed me the light at the end of the tunnel. We were all in the same boat, so to speak! I have now retired to another city and have started a dragon boat team for breast cancer survivors here.
(Pat Eveleigh, diagnosed in 1995 at age 52)

For the first anniversary of our diagnosis, my roommate at the hospital and I gave our surgeon (the best surgeon in the world!) a cigar and we gave daffodils to the oncology room. This year, we gave our surgeon two chocolate boobs. Some friends had a hard time dealing with my diagnosis and didn’t call much. I knew they were there and knew they would find their way back in their own time, and they have. I hated receiving flowers, as my house smelled like a funeral home. Spiritual books were warmly welcome. It seemed that I was so tuned into God, it was an incredible experience. So many wonderful things happened to me during this terrible time.
(Jacqui, Courtenay, BC, diagnosed in 2002 at age 38)

After treatments, I stopped at a friend’s farm and found two puppies there. We already had two dogs but one of those puppies just tugged at my heartstrings. A couple of days later, my husband and boys and myself went back and brought one of those puppies home, on the pretense of it being the boys’ dog. Well, Fred is my dog and he’s helped me calm down when I’m uptight. He’s such a loving animal. He even puts me to bed at night. He’s a gift alright, and there couldn’t have been a better one.
(Cheryl Otting, Elkford, BC, diagnosed in 2002 at age 53)

One of the most interesting events occurred when a couple that we socialized with frequently found out that my wife, Glenna, had cancer. We never saw them again. They were absent at her funeral. Neither of her parents visited her in hospital more than a couple of times even when it was clear she was dying and was in a palliative care ward.

My husband bought me a swing for when I came home. That was the best gift. Almost all of my friends dumped me when I was diagnosed but then, they weren’t real friends. I have made many wonderful friends through the breast cancer group and other Internet groups I belong to.

Tell your friends all about it and let them know exactly what you need. Find those friends who really do want to help, not just offer. Let them know if you want them to accompany you to chemo or to the doctor and take notes for you. I loved the friends who would just show up with meals, books, or stop by to visit. I was looking out the window one day and saw two of my friends planting flowers in my yard! I was very open about everything and, because of that, felt that I had lots of people reach out to me. The more women know about what you are going through, the more they will respond to you and help you out. I have seen women try to “hide” their cancer diagnosis and never get the support they need.

Best gifts received? Unconditional love and encouragement from friends and family. My former boss said this to me as well, “The resolve of the type of person you are is not made by that which is handed easily to you in life, rather, it is that which you must face with some difficulty and fight for.” Second best gift was a plaque from my sister with an engraved plate stating it was my one-year anniversary as a survivor.

The best gift I received was a big basket filled with my favorites, put together by a friend who collected over $300 from coworkers in the building where I work. It was filled with wine, cookies, candy, nail polish, body lotions, cologne, magazines, gift certificates for restaurants... it was just wonderful!

Along came cancer with great friends from a wide-ranging area. My husband ran while I walked in the first Run for the Cure. It was physically and emotionally the longest walk that I have ever taken. I volunteered for that organization the following year. I am now in my fifth year of paddling with the Two Abreast Dragon Boat team. We are a group of women and one man celebrating life after breast cancer and taking our message to the world through paddling. Last year seven of us from this team joined other Canadians to create the Canadians Abreast Team and paddled in Auckland and Wellington, New Zealand. In April four of us will again join the national team to compete in the International Regatta in Cape Town.

Recovering from breast cancer was not an easy journey. I am so grateful to my family and friends for being there when I needed them most. Thoughtful gestures made the days that much easier to get through while I was going through my treatments. One of my best friends would make sure I received a big envelope full of encouraging mail from my coworkers. She sent me a package every time I went for a chemo treatment, and I would look forward to reading and rereading those uplifting cards. I do believe they got me through some of my darkest days. Now that’s healing medicine for me!

One neat thing that my friends did for me was a “Happy Everything Party” a few months after my radiation. I went through the major treatments from mid-October through mid-March so we celebrated all the holidays that I missed at that party. Trick-or-treaters came to the door, Santa came to see me, we had a toast on New Year’s with noisemakers too, and my husband gave me a valentine. It was a lot of fun... and of course it was also a celebration that I had finished the toughest part of my treatment.
(Julie, diagnosed at age 26)

I don’t go to support groups. I can’t deal with seeing someone in an advanced stage of the cancer I have had. It is just too frightening for me. Let a puppy lick your bald head. I have a friend that I e-mailed almost every day during treatments; these are a journal of my experience.

I have the best husband in the world. He looked after me and protected me to no end. He was at every treatment and every doctor’s appointment. He looked after everything so I didn’t have to. He was incredible.
(Jennifer, diagnosed in 2001 at age 27)

The very best gift that I got was the day that I was discharged from the hospital. My 11-year-old nephew had a baseball game that night and really wanted me to attend. I brought a chair to the game along with a pillow to rest my arm on. I was sitting directly behind the home plate fence. When Brandon came to bat for the 3rd time he walked in front of me, looked directly at me and said, “This one’s for you, Auntie Cindy.” With the count at no balls and 2 strikes he hit the ball so far out into left field that by the time the outfielder got to the baseball, my nephew was already on his way from third to home! It was a moment that I will never forget. I truly hope that someday he will understand what that particular moment meant to me.
(Cindy, Cedarburg, WI, diagnosed at age 41)

You cannot underestimate the importance of support. For me it has been the most important thing. When I have been falling down, my close ones and friends have spread a net where I have landed. I also think that support groups with the same disease history can help a lot. These people really understand what you have experienced and can share your feelings.
Humor is important but I have found that it is easiest to laugh with the members of my support group. It helps!
(Katariina Rautalahti, Järvenpää, Finland,
diagnosed in 1999 at age 41)

You cannot underestimate the importance of support. For me it has been the most important thing. When I have been falling down, my close ones and friends have spread a net where I have landed. I also think that support groups with the same disease history can help a lot. These people really understand what you have experienced and can share your feelings.
Humor is important but I have found that it is easiest to laugh with the members of my support group. It helps!
(Katariina Rautalahti, Järvenpää, Finland,
diagnosed in 1999 at age 41)

My partner was in denial, angry, and took it out on me. We still haven’t bridged the gulf this created in our relationship. This was the saddest thing about it all. Support came from elsewhere. I learned to lean on friends and avoid mentioning the C-word at home. Well, life ain’t always fair.
(Judith Quinlan, diagnosed in 2001 at age 52)

I avoided the support groups, expecting them to be a venue where people gathered to cry about their disease and not be forward-moving. I couldn’t have been more wrong. These people were instrumental in my support and sanity during the time of my recurrence. I found it therapeutic to sign up with two studies on breast cancer survivors and how they coped. These people wanted to hear about my experience. The more breast cancer meetings, lectures, and events I attended, the more plugged-in and empowered I felt. I became interested in a group described as a self-help group, for newly diagnosed breast-cancer patients. It was a series of five sessions, each with a different topic. I liked the formula. The bonds I made with the other participants are still there. The dynamics of the group were so good that we continue to meet twice a year in our 11th year.
(Donna Tremblay, diagnosed in 1992 at age 33,
recurrence in 1996)

All the details for treatments must have festered and when my husband arrived home, I had a full-blown tantrum, the very first since the initial diagnosis. I was so angry finally. And boy did I let it out. My husband tried to rationalize things with me but that didn’t work, then he stood in a corner of the kitchen, well out of the way, and cheered me on. When I finished, I was spent and not at first but eventually started to feel better about what has to be. The next day when my husband arrived from work, he walked in the door and announced, “Your personal therapist has arrived.” I was not able to join a survival group therapy due to distance so I was offered a telecommuting opportunity to be involved.

Lost no friends, gained many. The support person I called my first week of diagnosis was the one who helped a lot. I was able to help her as well when she had chemo, and we chatted many times on the phone before we finally met in person. That was the most rewarding, knowing I was leaning on her those first few weeks and that, even though I was still journeying through, I had energy and support for her in her time of need.

Having someone with you for appointments is mandatory. It took me a while, but I eventually came to realize it’s okay to share your emotions, your thoughts and fears. It’s okay not to have to be strong all the time, it’s okay to let yourself be pampered, but most of all it’s okay just to let yourself be loved. The network of support out there is phenomenal. My support group has been good for me, sharing my experiences with others travelling on the same train. Each step— the diagnosis, surgery, treatments—is like another car off the track. And so far, my train hasn’t derailed! It’s unfortunate that there aren’t support groups in my area for spouses. They experience much of the trauma and go through a grieving process the same as breast cancer patients, maybe more in some cases.
(Virginia, diagnosed in 2001 at age 57)

I took part in the expedition “Beyond The White Guard” (women with breast cancer past climbed Mount Aconcagua in Chili-Argentina in 2004, http://www.BeyondTheWhiteGuard.org), the only time since my illness that I was surrounded by other women with breast cancer history. And it was a great experience. Some of these women have become real friends.
(Annemie D’haveloose, Belgium)

My friends made me a healing quilt with 120 hearts sewn together. They had sewing circles and met after classes in the school where our children were together. The quilt and a memory book were both presented to me the day before my first chemo began. I used that blanket each and every day after that. Each time I look at that quilt on my bed, I think of how loved I am.
(Dawn, North Hollywood, CA, diagnosed in 2001 at age 47)

I napped every day for half an hour or so. Before I napped, I put a red basket out on my front porch. After I napped, I brought it inside. Neighbors and friends knew that the red basket meant I was resting. A friend told me, “Don’t read about cancer after three in the afternoon.” This was an excellent advice. Another friend told me on a walk, “Call me in the middle of the night if you want to talk.” I didn’t do it, but I knew she meant it and I could call if I wanted. Yes, I did stay away from some friends during cancer, those who demanded too much attention. My focus was quite inward. I didn’t have the energy to help those who are more chaotic and dramatic. I do not live with my partner but he was supportive. When two doctors suggested that I could reduce the size of my remaining breast, he said, “Why monkey with a perfectly good breast?’

Emotionally, my support came from my friend across the street. She sent over food, sat with me when I was ill with chemo, listened to my rantings and held me when I cried, which was often. The relationships with many family members are very strained. Good thing we can pick our friends! The best gift I bought for myself was a good wig. I could not imagine myself going eight months with hats and scarves.
(Sharron, diagnosed in 2002 at age 62)

I started a support group that still meets today and those in it are among my closest friends. Volunteering in breast cancer groups gave me a reason for having had cancer; I couldn’t repay all those who helped me, but I could pass that help and support along to others.
(Bev Parker, Naperville, IL, diagnosed in 1985
at age 40, recurrence in 2001)

I found my own support group of several women colleagues who had mastectomies, and whom I called “My Bosom Buddies.” I lost closeness with one friend who had a lump at the same time. I urged her to have a biopsy because I was worried for her, but she felt I was thoughtless. Breast cancer was my worst fear, and now that it is realized, I have no fear.
(Yvette, Victoria, BC, diagnosed in 2002 at age 47)

The most helpful thing for me besides support from family and friends was to continue to fill my days with activities and people that have meaning for me. Eliminate what you don’t like.

The most helpful thing for me besides support from family and friends was to continue to fill my days with activities and people that have meaning for me. Eliminate what you don’t like.

It was important to learn all I could from reading and from talking with others. My friends reacted differently. One couldn’t come to see me; my illness scared her so much as I had always been so alive and strong. I had to reeducate my friends. I did find that there was a time when I had to move away from the support groups and the discussion groups, and from reading so much about the illness. I felt myself
being kept in the illness by being immersed in it. There is a time to heal by moving away a bit.

It was important to learn all I could from reading and from talking with others. My friends reacted differently. One couldn’t come to see me; my illness scared her so much as I had always been so alive and strong. I had to reeducate my friends. I did find that there was a time when I had to move away from the support groups and the discussion groups, and from reading so much about the illness. I felt myself
being kept in the illness by being immersed in it. There is a time to heal by moving away a bit.

I found out some of my friends couldn’t deal with it and stayed away. I had one friend who made a dinner for four every time I had chemo since I wasn’t hungry so my family didn’t have to cook. I gained friends who have gone through the system and I value them.

I chose not to do chemo. I got two opinions from oncologists. One recommended chemo, the other didn’t. I agreed with the reasoning of the second. However, I felt very defensive around many survivors who strongly feel one does “everything possible” without regard for the risks/gains ratio. I found an Internet forum established for breast cancer survivors. These people are supportive of whatever decision one makes. They are also there when I need to vent. They have been an important part of my recovery.
(Rita, Palos Verdes, CA)

My husband made sure that I went for a walk each day even when I really didn’t feel like it, and I always felt better after the walk. And he put up with Oprah every afternoon. The ladies from my church were a wonderful support to me, they had a big party for me just after my diagnosis to let me know that they would be there for me. They also prepared a month’s worth of dinners and filled my freezer, so when my husband wanted a night off from cooking he could pull a casserole from the freezer and dinner would be ready in about an hour with very little fuss. They also included several frozen desserts to satisfy my sweet tooth.
(Debbie Giroux, Langley, BC)

I had a heart-to-heart conversation with a wonderful woman who had experiences much of what I was feeling... some 12 years before. It was tremendously helpful, calming, and ultimately inspiring.

My last day before my surgery my coworkers took me to lunch and told me that they were doing “Walks for Women” the day before surgery and had raised nearly $1,000. That was so encouraging to me and told me that I was loved and that they were supporting me.

My best support were my husband and three children, and also my daughter’s boyfriend’s mother who was diagnosed at the same time as me. I barely knew her but we had this bond that we shared, and we were there to help each other and shared tips. She sent over meals for the family on the days I had chemo. Every day even with my bald head my husband told me I was beautiful. One day after my hair had started to grow back I went shopping. At this point I was feeling pretty good, treatments were over, life was going on, and I felt great. But then I heard a little girl and her sister call me “the monster,” I felt horrible, left the store and had a good cry.
(Linda Bryngelson, New Brighton, MN)

Faith, friends, keeping others’ spirits up. One of my friends who had breast cancer flew down to be with me for my first chemo, and I was so touched.
(Deb Haggerty, diagnosed at age 51)

The support groups that I found seemed to be about expanding on how serious their cancer was and that it was more dramatic or more life threatening than everyone else’s. I did not see a model for healing within the groups so I quit going. That is sad because we are not designed to heal alone.
(Beverly Vote, Lebanon, MO, diagnosed in 2002 at age 37)

With a small baby at home and a full-time job, I never had time to do a support group. But I found a tremendous amount of support from two bulletin boards (see end of book). After things settled a bit, I also was able to attend some events from the local chapter of the Young Survival Coalition. The most important thing was being in a room surrounded by happy, beautiful, vibrant young women who all seemed to be moving on with their lives.

My support group provided emotional support as well as extremely practical information. My family helped me with research on the Internet and with my daily routine. They kept me motivated and provided a sense of humor. For some reason, surgery scared me more than chemotherapy. I was very, very nervous and anxious, and more so especially in pre-op. My group facilitator brought me a gift of a little stuffed blue bear with the statement “Cancer Sucks!” sewn into it. I loved it and it helped calm me down. It said exactly what I felt and was cute and cuddly to soothe me as well.
(Dikla, North Hollywood, CA

When I am asked to describe the whole experience in one line I can only say, “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.” (Charles Dickens)
(Susan, Brossard, QC))

My husband let me cry on his shoulder so many times. My teenage son told me straight out that he always wanted to know everything, and he didn’t want me hiding anything from him. This really helped as I could go to him if I wanted to give my husband “a rest.” The friend I took with me the day I went to try on imitation-hair wigs cried softly when I broke down in uncontrollable tears in the shop. I felt a lot of love because I saw that she was suffering just by seeing me suffer. I would have liked to see that with my husband, but he was determined to act strong in front of me. He would not want to hear of death or plans of what I’d like done in the future if I died. I told him that not wanting to discuss the subject was not helping me so he finally listened. I decided to look for an association for women with breast cancer and read up all I could on the subject. The association helped so much. I met women who were like me, which really helped a lot. I knew that there were others in the same shoes but I needed to actually see them. The exercises for breathing were great to learn, as they really helped me relax. I found a website (WebMd.com) and that gave me contact with others in my shoes without having to face them so I felt I could ask questions and let out my self-pity, etc. without being embarrassed. They had great tips to give me.
(Laura, Navarra, Spain, diagnosed in 1998 at age 41)

One of the things that helped me most was helping others. When you get out of yourself and share with another person and help them to go on, it makes a huge difference in your own recovery. During my second breast cancer, a friend was going through a much more serious type of cancer. The doctors gave her less than three months to live. She gave up emotionally. I sat with her and convinced her that there was a chance. Eventually, she began to fight. Three years later she is still alive and in complete remission. Where there is life, there is hope. Stay strong and keep believing you can overcome this. Whatever you do, don’t let it get you where you really live, in your mind. I received wonderful gifts of flowers. My daughter in the U.S. sent a photo of herself and her husband smiling that I brought with me for radiation. She also sent Frank Sinatra tapes that I could listen to. I danced while in the hospital and I laughed.
(Marie, Co. Mayo, Ireland, diagnosed in 1987,
recurrence 13 years later)

I feel very lucky that I was not abandoned by anyone in my crisis. In fact, people came out of the woodwork to offer their support. Knowing people were praying for me and cooking for me and checking up on me made all the difference. During treatments there were periods when I didn’t feel like talking to anyone for a couple of weeks. None of my friends took it personally and stuck by me through it all.
(Julie Austin, Little Rock, AR, diagnosed in 2000 at age 30)

I was a caring and compassionate person, sympathetic in the way I talked with cancer patients and their loved ones. Today, I have a different perspective of nursing, life, death, and cancer. I use the lessons I have learned from my own experience. I have experienced many of the same tests, decisions, side effects, and anxieties as the patients I work with. When I talk about the disease, I begin with the basics, even if I’m dealing with a healthcare professional. I don’t assume anything. Once I became the patient, I was suddenly “dumb” and needed to hear everything in plain English. When I talk about treatment, I know the physical discomfort and emotional pain the patients can experience. During chemotherapy, minutes can feel like hours. Days can feel like forever. I’ve been there and felt that. And I know that once you are diagnosed with cancer, there really is no end to the journey. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the disease. Nowadays, when I speak to patients, I don’t just speak from things I have studied in textbooks or learned on the job. I speak from my own experience. When I talk about breast cancer, I stress the following: 1) Education about breast health should begin at an early age. 2) All women should become familiar with their breasts by performing self-exams. 3) Finding a change in your breast does not mean you have cancer. But get it checked as soon as possible. 4) If it is cancer, the sooner you find it and get treatment, the better. It might sound strange to say, but battling breast cancer has been a blessing in many ways. Today, I am a better clinical nurse specialist. It is a privilege to do work I love, with people I trust and respect, in a place that really cares about people.
(Lori Kaneshige, Honolulu, HI, diagnosed in 2002 age 34)

I had a boyfriend at the time of my diagnosis. However, I broke up with him before I started radiation treatments because our relationship was dysfunctional, and I realized life was too short to be in such relationships. I was alone since my family is all on the East Coast, and I live in California. I called my friends and family a lot though.

I’ve gained a lot of new friends through my experience with breast cancer. When I was diagnosed at 39, all I saw in the oncologist’s office or at my radiation appointments were older women. Luckily I met a woman my age on the Web MD boards and she really helped me through chemo and radiation. She had been through it and gave me lots of tips and encouragement. When I joined the Young Survival Coalition, I met women even younger than I was who were dealing with breast cancer. Our issues were a lot different than someone who’s older. I was put into menopause at a young age. I had to deal with the loss of fertility and with having no sex drive. Although I dated while going through chemo, I never told any of the men I went out with about it. I remember going out with a guy a day after a chemo treatment. He kept ordering me beers and because I didn’t want to tell him I shouldn’t be drinking, I just drank them. That was really stupid of me because the next day I could barely move. Not a smart thing to do when you’re having chemo!
(Leslie, Springfield, VA)

I opted not to tell friends and family about my cancer, but several of my closest friends found out. I didn’t want sympathy, and I didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable around me. My husband had walked out on our children and me about six years before, and the few friends I still had were still dealing with that issue. I liked the anonymity of the Internet bulletin boards, although now I’d like to meet as many of these courageous women as possible. It is from them that I draw most of my strength. My friends did stick by me, but it’s hard to know what to say or do if you haven’t been through this.
(Rita, Santa Clarita, CA)

To imply that I never said, or thought, “Why me?” would be a lie. To sometimes want to blame myself or my husband or daughter did happen. I knew that these thoughts were not real so we talked openly about them and that helped a great deal. I do regret that we did not go to a family support group because I think this was hardest on my daughter. She was 10 at the time, and I think she has suffered more than anyone.
(Sherry Gaffney, diagnosed in 1989 at age 47)

I am a member of a group that gets together once a month and celebrates life, learn new things, talk if we need to talk, laugh all the time, and even cry if we need to cry. It’s a wonderful bond, since we all understand each other in a way that those not living with cancer can’t. Someone can be forgetful and say, “Oh, chemo brain,” and everyone will laugh and understand. I could never say that at work, people would look at me funny.
(Julie, diagnosed at age 26)

Talk, talk, talk. I don’t think my Mother ever recovered because she would never speak about it. With that said, my own daughter was 21 and did not take it well. She doesn’t want to talk about it. My husband and kids were great but a wonderful evening out with my girlfriends helped. Men cannot understand, and you don’t want to worry your kids...

I was not sensitive to the opinions of others because I was so focused on getting good factual information. I have been very open about my illness because I see so many people who are just quivering in a heap, and I want to illustrate that there is another choice.

A male friend of mine said to me once that it really didn’t matter what kind of physical scars I came away with, and that the important thing was that I survived it. I lost a couple of people I had considered my friends—the whole spectre of breast cancer raised issues for them that they couldn’t deal with, and one of them told me she couldn’t even see me any more without thinking about cancer.

A male friend of mine said to me once that it really didn’t matter what kind of physical scars I came away with, and that the important thing was that I survived it. I lost a couple of people I had considered my friends—the whole spectre of breast cancer raised issues for them that they couldn’t deal with, and one of them told me she couldn’t even see me any more without thinking about cancer.

What helped me most was the support of my family and friends, doing volunteer work, and joining dragon boating. Remember these three important Es: eat sensibly, exercise regularly, enjoy life! Early diagnosis is so important. A diagnosis of breast cancer does not mean a death sentence. Do a regular monthly breast self-examination. Have a mammogram regularly.

Do not be afraid to let people help you. After surgery and during chemo/radiation, when people offer help, food, housecleaning, whatever, let them help you! I believe it makes others feel better too, because they tend to feel lost and helpless. Even if you don’t need the house vacuumed again, let them do it! A friend sent me an uplifting note or card at least once a week throughout treatments, and it always made me smile knowing she was there and cared enough to share a little part of her day and herself with me. My husband has been amazing. It has always been “us” going through this. “We” have breast cancer, “we” are doing better, etc. He went to all appointments and the chemo treatments with me. He would have gone to radiation if they had let him in the room. I found the Young Survival Coalition, a group specifically targeting women under 40 with breast cancer. We all have similar stories and a lot to give to and receive from each other.
(Lori Hughes, diagnosed at age 35)

My partner was supportive. A part of her needed me to do things to prove that I was alive. She needed a piece of our lives to be like it was. We have a lot of wonderful friends and we historically would meet on Friday nights for a happy hour. (I never was much for the drink and especially during treatments I didn’t drink.) Sometimes I went and just drank diet soda. And I would sit quietly and everybody was so kind. I would sometimes go lay in the car and from time to time one or the other of our friends would come to visit me.
(Deborah, diagnosed in 2002 at age 46)

I feel truly blessed in my life. I have had good support, a wonderful medical team and good medical coverage. There is a lot of support in my area and I am fortunate to have these things. Most of all I have a wonderful daughter who keeps me going. Family and friends are a great support. Getting out and getting involved is also helpful. Be an advocate for yourself. I did a lot of soul searching through this journey. I lost friends that I no longer needed in my life and gained friends who are needed. I met wonderful people through support groups, retreats, my church, and my involvement in “Abreast in a Boat.”
(Kathy Reeve, North Vancouver, BC, diagnosed in 2000 at age 32)

Call the support lines when you need comfort. They know exactly what to say.

My husband was absolutely devastated. I believe he saw himself as a widower at 42 with two small children and was terrified. He told me that he would take care of everything, kids, cooking, cleaning, bills, if I would just concentrate on getting better. Initially I felt guilty lying on the couch while he rushed around trying to keep order, but it was the best gift he could have given me. He took care of the household and took me to over 75 appointments that year. He still does all the cooking! I was always looking for a support group but felt more depressed than invigorated at the end until I came across the breast cancer survivors’ dragon boat team. These women don’t focus on the getting sick part as I found most support groups do, they focus on the getting well part. That’s a huge difference. I have made some very good friends there.
(Amy Murphy, diagnosed in 2002 at age 32)

Some of my girlfriends shied away from me, and that’s okay, because they were thinking, “If it can happen to Becky, it can happen to me.” It was just a little too close for some. We are still close, I would never lose friendship over something like that. You have to remember you’re not the only one going through it. I gained new friends, and dragon boat partners, and lifelong gal pals, so even though breast cancer took something from me, I did gain something in return. I would have to say the best present I received was getting out of the hospital on my wedding anniversary and driving home in glorious sunshine listening to Jan Arden.

The one thing I really needed was to be able to talk openly. I couldn’t talk about my deepest fears and problems with those closest to me. My children lived far and I didn’t want to frighten them so I ended up feeling emotionally isolated. My husband was in denial. I realized that those who have not been on the cancer journey personally couldn’t really understand what a loved one is experiencing while on the journey into the unknown. I realize now that it would have been much better to talk with someone, rather than trying to keep a false front. Writing in a journal was important for me, as it became the “ears” for all the things I found difficult to share with family and friends. Feeling worthy, whole and sexual despite the surgery and treatment is an important part in healing. I would recommend that women be encouraged to seek professional counseling to deal with issues of family, self-worth, and body image at the very beginning of their journey with breast cancer. Becoming a founding member of our local dragon boat team “Hope Afloat—Canada” was another positive experience. Two major side effects of breast cancer are fatigue and depression, but it has been proven time and again that there are physical, spiritual and emotional benefits from physical exercise and belonging to a team or group. The women on our team are all breast cancer survivors with a spirit of hope and courage that comes from facing challenges head on and by doing the best you can in any situation. They know from experience that there is a rich and rewarding quality of life still to be lived, filled with excitement, optimism, and camaraderie.

I am a survivor. I am the husband of a woman who died of breast cancer. My wife Carmen experienced each and every step you outline in your questionnaire. Husbands go through it all too. In my case I was with her every step of the way, 16 years worth. The cancer patient for the most part isn’t able to do all of the planning and scheduling that is necessary to keep one alive.
(Frank Franco Jr.)

I joined a great support group and signed up for their program, which was my life savior. We all bonded (about 10 in each group). Lectures and swimming and exercises helped to regain my arm movement. If a friend had not recommended this, I would not have made it. We continue to meet and I have made pink “fichus” for everyone in the group. Unfortunately, we have lost a few and it saddens me.

Not accepting help is either a form of denial or pride–I suffered from both.

I met new people at church who had breast cancer and other types of cancer, and we were support for each other.
(Marilyn R. Prasow, Long Beach, CA, diagnosed in 2001 at age 60)