I feel pills lead to the end of my days. OK, that sounds drastic but I miss the "me" on pill-free days some years ago. I was different. Now I feel tired and without energy, scared that the ever-increasing usage leads to a wrong way of life with no return.

I need pills but they all have side effects. Do I really need them or did I start using them because doctors pushed them and I am obedient by nature and eager to believe them? Getting unhooked is difficult and I now understand drug addicts.

Breast cancer is temporary, hopefully, and treatments and medications therefore short-termed. I am now talking about my immune disorder with no diagnosis. Doctors pushed pills and I wanted to get better so the list grew. No doctor ever suggested I harness my own body's ability to heal itself. Where could I find such a doctor? I could refuse the pills but would I then get treated? One of my doctors said after my many questions, "Let me be the doctor and you be the patient." I want to know the side effects but reading about them make me feel I have them all. Doctors caution me not go on Internet for that reason. Should I trust the doctors or learn more or listen to my intuition? This worrying and wondering and doubting is making me ill on top of making me ill but differently. I suppose doctors are doing their best but also use me as a guinea pig and we patients dont know all they talk with each other behind scenes. On one hand they want to heal the patient but on the other hand the medicine industry is a huge business and pharmaceutical companies need to sell the medicines after investing billions of dollars in research. I am afraid to take those pills and afraid not to take them.

Some patients need their pills or they would die.  I feel I would prefer a few hot hot showers daily with a good massage and holistic medicine with nothing toxic. Maybe my immune system would recover. f I had money, I would go somewhere like to Deepak Chopra's center of healing. I wonder if he could help me. 

I read that doctors give out prescriptions because patients expect it. It is the fastest way to get rid of the patient and the waiting room is full of others all behind their schedule. I admit I too was comforted by yet another prescription slip as if it was a ticket to recovery and hope. OK, enough of this stressful worrying, time for my handful of evening pills. When the pain comes on a high level, I reach out for pills and will think of consequences later.